There's something rotten in the state of Wellington! (also Horowhenua, Wairarapa, Manawatu, Hawkes Bay, etc...)
Although the public may be tempted to look away, to brush this off as not really a problem, to keep going because it all seems to be working nicely, I have to stand up. The question must be asked.
To the current yellow-wearing, Wellington-based Super Rugby team:
Who are you, and what have you done with my Hurricanes?
I accept Iíve not been the most attentive fan this season, which may be how you managed to body-swap our Hurricanes team with one that hasnít lost yet, but in fairness - there was a whole other world cup going on.
But I kept an eye on your progress through South Africa, and against the teams at home, not quite able to believe what the results were telling me.
See, Iíve been a Hurricanes fan for 20 years now. Iíve had my heart broken by this lot at Athletic Park and Westpac-Trust Stadium; in rain and fog and so, so much wind. They donít play consistent rugby. The only thing thatís ever been consistent about the Hurricanes is their ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, lose matches they absolutely should have won from positions which seemed unassailable, and turn up every so often with a piece of magic that leaves everyone - both on field and off - with their jaw on the floor.
The Hurricanes Iíve known can barely scrape together three wins in a row, never mind seven! And thus I am forced to conclude that you people (if indeed you are people and not David Icke-esque shapeshifting lizards) are not actually the Hurricanes.
I mean, as body-snatchers go, youíre very good. Against the Stormers you brought out that sublime team try from your own goal-line which gave me flashbacks of that time in the early 2000s when we had the best back three in the world. There was even that characteristic lack of discipline and foolish play which had you almost lose from a large lead.
Oh yes, youíre good. But youíre not quite good enough - the real Hurricanes would have lost that game. They would have lost one or two leading up to it as well. Sitting six points clear at the top of the table? That is not how the real Hurricanes work.
Of course, if Iím wrong about this, and the real Hurricanes are taking the field each week, Iím still concerned. How will they manage to ruin it this time? Are they just waiting for the right moment? Till I actually start to hope? Till I reach that giddy stage where I believe after 20 years they might finally lift the trophy?
No. I tell you this, team who may or may not be the Hurricanes, Iím wise to your tricks. Iím not falling for it again. I shall cheer you on with nothing more invested than an interest in blistering rugby and to see how youíre going to bollocks it up this time.
Losses to wooden-spoon teams? A series of inexplicable brain explosions by key decision makers? Losing a player to the sin-bin for threatening to punch one of his own teammates, like that occasion between Dion Waller and Jason Spice? Or will this be a whole completely new way I canít even imagine yet?
Will you get all the way to the final and lose in the last 10 minutes? That would be a very Hurricanes thing to do.
I donít trust you, doppelgangers or not, Iíve been hurt too many times. Iíll cheer, clap, and rejoice while your winning ways continue, even as I suggest the Avengers should be dispatched to find out where the real Hurricanes are being imprisoned.
But you know, bodysnatchers, even if you arenít really the Hurricanes we know and bizarrely still love - Iím sure you could stick around and keep playing. Just till the end of the tournament of course.